On Making A Request
/A request has three aspects:
1) Concrete rather than abstract.
2) Specific rather than general.
3) Positive rather than negative.
It must be followed by: “Can you do that?”
The other person can say:
Yes I can to that.
No I can’t do that.
Or, they can negotiate.
The requester must decide whether their request is negotiable (most are) or non-negotiable (a few are not).
Once the request is complete, the discussion is over.
Relationships die in abstractions, e.g. “You should have known after so many years,” or “ if you loved me you would...” or “I thought I made that clear” or “my other partners knew this,” etc.
Relationships sink in negatives: “I need you not to...” or “I feel bad when you...” or “you never...”
This is part of “relationship hygiene.” Also, don’t bring up the past unless absolutely necessary (it rarely is). Stay in the present, and the way forward.
Avoid extensive discussions of past relationships. It gives the other person mental images they cannot get rid of. You are building something new; the past relationships haven’t worked out, have they?
Examples:
Instead of “you don’t spend enough time with me,” a request could be: “When you get home from work, at 6pm, I need you to sit with me on the couch for 10 minutes, hold my hand, and talk with me about our day. Can you do that?”
Instead of “you never tell me I’m handsome” a request could be: “twice a week I need you to tell me you find me attractive, when you notice I’m attractive. Can you do that?”
Instead of “you ignore me when we go to parties” a request could be: “when we go to the party this Saturday at 6pm, I need you to come up to me twice during the evening, touch me on the shoulder and look at me. Can you do that?”
The way you know it is a request is: if a third person were there, would they know exactly what you mean?
If you find yourself angry or upset, ask yourself: do I have a request? If you don’t, you need to drop it and wait until you discover what your request is. You can also ask you partner, if they are upset, “is there a request in this?”
Long painful discussions rarely lead anywhere, tax both of you, usually involve agonizing digressions into the past, and are not how you want to spend your precious, rare time on earth.
In my experience, making requests using this method is the only way to develop a peaceful, satisfying, lasting relationship. It requires of each of us that we reflect on exactly what our own needs are, and put them forward in a clear, concrete, specific, actionable way so our partner can satisfy them rather than guessing. It requires us to abandon our infantile wish that others should understand us like an infant is understood by a mother.