Eros and the Hookup Culture

In my work with teens over the past 25 years I have been increasingly struck by a kind of cautiousness and self-protection in young people’s approach to romantic love. It appears to me there are multiple layers of defense against the risk of hurt in intimacy, that have increased over time. 

Signs of this include the rise of online porn, with its ersatz approach to sexuality, and the hookup culture in which genuine passion and ecstatic experience are almost surgically guarded against. In listening to many teens describe their sexual experiences, I am impressed by how shallow and meaningless these contacts often seem to be; free from any deep feeling for the other, deep sensuality, words of intimacy or flame of desire that could propel a developing relationship. 

At root, I’ve noticed a deep seated fear of exposure, loss, rejection or failure that underlies this detached version of sex and intimacy. The limited intimacy available in these encounters is often fueled (and damped) by alcohol, and seems often to involve servicing the male’s needs to the exclusion of all else. 

I could speculate about the sociocultural roots of this change, in terms of what these youngsters have witnessed with their parents and been exposed to online. Another possible root of this is the over-protection of young people, preventing them from taking risks in many areas of life including relationships. Of more interest to me is how to proceed to establish a more healthy and fulfilling approach to passion. 

Buddhist psychology can also be a good resource in understanding that avoidance of loss often deprives us of true intimacy, and the layers of self-protection keep us from caring deeply about anyone or anything. The outcome of all this is young people who lack strong feeling and conviction about anything, and are uncertain about what to do and who to be with. 

I often find myself teaching teens about the roots of romantic love, chivalry and courtship in history and literature, and the historical phases of our understanding of sexual love. Great novels can be a wonderful entry point for them, e.g. D.H. Lawrence (Lady Chatterly’s Lover), Hermann Hesse (Narcissus and Goldmund), Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land for the loosening of sexual attitudes in the late-middle 20th century, and of course the works of Simone de Beauvoir and other prominent feminist writers in putting female sexuality on an equal footing with that of males. The poetry of the troubadours of the 13th century can be instructive; the roots of “troubadour” in Arabic and Greek are associated with  "finding", "music", "love", and “ardor,” and how to cultivate them via artistic pursuits. The chivalric tradition helps young people see that to pursue deeper passion may require patience, sacrifice and exhibiting some kind of excellence to win over the person one desires. 

In order to increase the vividness of romantic love in the lives of young people, which I think is a necessary developmental stage, we can encourage a certain degree of risk taking, explore Buddhist psychology to help them realize the futility of self over-protection, and expose them to the great works of literature that shed light on the beauty of romantic love through history.