When Liking Is Better Than Loving

We all love our kids. And we say we love others, at least in California, quite a bit. The word has such a plethora of implications such as familial obligation, dependency, need or duty tinged with resentment, that it sometimes seems devoid of the power to convey real meaning.

It’s pretty easy to feel warmly toward young children, as they tend to be cute, innocent and dependent upon our care. As a child enters her teens, however, and begins to differentiate from her parents, the feelings between parent and child inevitably become more complex and ambivalent. She may show signs of moving away from us, physically and emotionally, as well as rejecting our status as gods. She probably develops a complex inner life, some of which by necessity is kept hidden.

At this point, some parents may distance from the child, no longer recognizing the non- compliant being who until recently was under their control and tutelage. Others may double down on trying to regain that control and compliance, and are frustrated when met with inevitable resistance.

I feel there is another way, which is to start getting to know the child as who they are becoming. This involves open-ended discussions, genuine curiosity as to what they are thinking and discovering, being willing to share observations, and of critical importance being willing to learn from them. The asymmetrical relationship of parent directing child begins to shift toward a more parallel, shoulder-to-shoulder walking together mode.

An image I sometimes share with parents is the idea of parent and teen walking side by side, looking in the same direction, let’s say along a forest path, and discussing the complex issues of living. Admittedly, one has more experience and a duty to protect, however the differential needs to sometimes shift to where the teen leads in insight and the parent learns. This allows the young person to begin to identify the locus of wisdom and insight within herself.

Finally, it is not enough to love your kids; you need to like them. And the only way to develop this is to spend time with them, to take journeys with them in which you are not always the expert, where you are in a process of discovery together. Liking implies all that loving does not necessarily include: admiration, interest, appreciation for their unique beauty and intelligence, and a desire to share in life’s great adventure together.