Smoking Saves Lives

As rain pummeled most of California recently, my two sons were at my house, which is unusual as one lives in Dublin and the other, having recently wrapped up his life in London, is on an open-ended journey through the world. As they described it, they were about to drive up the driveway together, when Benjamin, who smokes, wanted to go in the house to roll a cigarette. They both went in, and at that moment heard a loud explosion and looked out to see our huge Italian stone pine fallen across the driveway, blocking the entire street. Had they not gone inside at that moment, they could have both been crushed by the gigantic tree, which even a week later lies only partially dismantled by a team of arborists.

My efforts to get Ben to stop smoking, a habit reinforced by seven years in London where it seems almost everyone smokes, have met a dead end; he finally put a stop to my father/doctor pained efforts by asking me to desist, saying that stopping smoking will occur through his own initiative and that my pestering only serves to increase his resistance.

I’ve noticed that when I am adamantly pushing for something, feeling so right in my position, as regards the lives of others, there is an accompanying hopelessness that change will occur, and yet I often feel compelled to repeat my admonitions. This started with my mother’s destructive drinking, failed there, and has failed everywhere ever since.

At the age of 66 it’s finally dawning on me that change doesn’t occur this way. The natural course of growth and discovery follows a twisting, winding path free from coercion. Truly, I have never followed anyone’s advice myself. All growth has come from experiencing suffering and seeking my own solutions, often with the help of great teachers. We never know what painful events will lead to, but there is an inherent drive toward wholeness in each of us. We often need an “adaptive stressor,” or hardship, to break an old pattern and begin on a better path.

So, at least this once, I will say the unsayable and admit to the collapse of my self-righteous system of advising others:

Smoking saves lives.